Shaving is the worst. Still, I’m not sure I could play for the bearded Boston Red Sox.
That is, aside from being not good enough at baseball to be a below-average high school player in a cold-weather state, I could not grow such dense facial hair. Even if I didn’t shave for a year it would end up looking patchy and/or scraggly – generally gross. Plus, it seems like that kind of busy mess would itch or smell or scare children; there are very few redeeming qualities aside from the team camaraderie element.
And, yes, this means I found my way to the World Series on Sunday night after the end of the Packers-Vikings game. (I’ll spare you the details of that … other than to say that I’d never have guessed the Green Bay offense would be more fun to watch when boasting a physical ground game.)
I realized a few things during the maybe nine outs that I witnessed: I don’t watch the four major networks for anything other than sports. I mean that; I have zero shows in my rotation from CBS, NBC, ABC or FOX. That seems crazy considering those practically were the only options not so long ago. Based on the promos, I’m not missing much.
Also, the glimpse of the game – the fourth, was it? – brought to light how few modern baseball players I know aside from the Big Papis of the world. Like, who is this delightful, wiry closer for the Red Sox? He was fun to watch because of the quirks and the too-big looking glove; he could be a character in a John Hughes movie. There has to be a GIF or two of him hopping around after the game-winning pickoff.
That may be all I’ll end up watching of the World Series. It’s kind of striking how easy it is to be isolated from such a major and historic annual sporting event. But it’s not like my wife or kids are talking about it. And my friends don’t call or text about it.
It stands to reason that the Fall Classic gets some play on SportsCenter, but I’ve steered clear of that recently, too, mostly because I’m too tired. My kids have decided to try to kill me – slowly and painfully – at a young age through extended sleep deprivation. They’re doing pretty bang-up job, too. A couple nights ago I fell asleep laying on the floor, face down, hands over my head and on the keyboard of my laptop.
Is it possible that’s the root of all my problems? Perhaps if I got more than 4-6 hours of sleep each night I’d be able to A) grow man-grade hair on my face or B) not be ravaged by razor burn after each shave, as if it were my first.
Yeah, that’s probably it.