… For me to Groupon

Posted: July 12, 2012 by terryvandrovec in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

For the record, I made myself LOL with that headline. No one loves my jokes more than me.

It should come as no surprise to you, then, that I’m not above partaking in a good, old-fashioned Internet bargain. Seven bucks for $14 worth of pizza, half off at a Brazilian steakhouse, buy one salad get one free – I’m guilty on all counts. And I actually use the purchased discounts from sites like Groupon, unlike so many others. That probably doesn’t qualify as sticking it to the man, but there is some satisfaction in cutting into his profit margin.

However, I haven’t purchased anything from Groupon in quite some time, either because I’m too busy, too broke or just not interested. Yet I continue to receive the daily notification emails. Why? Entertainment, plain and simple. Three real and recent examples of the chuckle-worthy products being hawked via the Ultranets:

Groupon: Solid discounts and hilarious writing.

* “Up to 55% Off Bikini or Brazilian Sugaring Waxes. Constantly plucking body hair is one of life’s most futile chores, like vacuuming up a pile of leaves or cleaning feathers out of your jet turbine. Foil your follicles once and for all with this Groupon.”
Most of the ads are written like this – droll. Love it. And who knew they put sugar in body wax? Does that mean it’s edible? If so, gross.

* “57% Off Personal Breath-Alcohol Tester. Not all machines provide quick answers, such as Mars rovers that take years to collect extraterrestrial data or the vending machine at work that has yet to respond to your marriage proposal. Get quick answers from automatons with this Groupon.”
A Mars rover reference. Oh, Groupon, you slay me. Still, in this case a more straightforward approach might have worked better, something like, “Do you love to party, but don’t like jail, paralysis or death? Then try this Personal Breath-Alcohol Tester.” Because, let’s be honest: The social drinker has no use for this device.

* “Up to 54% Off Beer-Brewing Starter Kit. During Prohibition, bootleggers made their own booze by burying grapes underground or catching moonbeams in a jar of water. Make alcohol the easy way with this Groupon.”
I know some home brewers and this very well could be a handy item, but I can’t get past the background info – how do you catch moonbeams and can they really be converted into alcohol? Groupon is the new Encyclopedia Britannica.

Actually, Groupon may be the new guide to life, man (in Chong voice). Think about all the wonderful adventures you could have – and at smart prices – by doing only Groupon-approved activities for, say, an entire year. (Working title of subsequent book: Get your Groupon.) For example, you could 1) brew your own beer and then 2) use your breath-alcohol tester to check to make sure you’re not too drunk to drive to 3) your bikini wax appointment.

Or you could stay in, order a half-price pizza, snuggle up with some good reading (those witty solicitation emails) and watch the moon beam.

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