By Dan Frasier
Football season has been over for a month. That is far to long to go without football. I know, I know: Combine, contract talk, Peyton-gate, Payton-gate, draft, college spring practice is about to start. Yeah, but still. With that in mind, I did some hard-hitting research and got some behind the scenes interviews with very important people in order to break the following stories:
Little known fact: Eli Manning was originally cast as the third dude in the Bill and Ted series. Sadly, he was cut from the films before their release for, “looking too stoned.”
I was recently reading in National Geographic Magazine that a crisis is developing among Musk Ox. Apparently, the male Musk Ox have become depressed. They no longer graze and chase hot female Musk Ox. Instead, they simply stare longingly in the general direction of Pittsburgh. One Musk Ox was heard grumbling, “Dude, his head is harder than ours, too.”
Coach Tom Landry was distraught at the news that his hat had been stolen by the cross state rival Houston Texans. Arian Foster can be seen here laughing at Coach Landry’s pain.
Hey, Ben. There is only man, er, creature, er, whatever, that can pull off the tiny hat on a huge melon, and it isn’t you. Also, Fozzy’s tie is way cooler than yours. Hey, remember that time Fozzy got arrested in Georgia? Oh, wait …
David Garrard showed up this year sporting an Eliot Ness style fedora. Ness wanted him to know they were called the “Untouchables” not the “Unhirables.” Finding a spot on a team this year proved more difficult than finding out what was in Capone’s Vault. Perhaps a Tommy Gun would have helped him in negotiations with GMs.
When asked about his new look, Ochocinco responded, “Who wants small unobtrusive earbuds when they can strap giant cans on their head, creating a unique look that has never before been seen on TV or Film? I know I don’t. Heck, I don’t even know that unobtrusive means!” Princess Leia an unabashed Patriots fan, when asked to respond, stated, “that worthless, bleepy bleeping, no good, bleeping bleeping, can’t even bleep bleep a bleeping football you bleeping son of a bleep.” In other news, Ochocinco could be found wearing a golden bikini chained to Vince Wilfork while the rest of the receivers were in film study.
Physicist Stephen Hawking announced this year that he is opening a new line of study centering on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense. Notes Hawking, “They really are incredible. While they display some properties of being a solid, they seem to let matter pass through them with almost no resistance. It’s like they are both a solid and a gas at the same time; a substance unknown to Science. Determining what substance the Buccaneers defense is and exactly what it’s properties are could change the way we think about matter in general. I mean, how else do you explain giving up an average of over 30 points a game?”
About the author: Frasier filed this piece to keep the site afloat while TV was being eaten alive by the early stages of March Madness. He could have gotten away with just about anything because we weren’t editing that closely.