The Bachelor

Posted: February 16, 2012 by shawnfury in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

“You’ll be fine, right?” she said. “There’s all the food in the fridge and freezer, bread, buns, English Muffins, Eggos for breakfast, two cereals, soups, pizzas.”

“I’ll be fine,” I replied. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too. I can’t wait to see you again.”

“It’s three weeks, it’ll fly by.”

“You’ll be okay?”


Random scenes in the week and a half since that day:
* Played in hoops league on a Wednesday night. Always try to eat a little sandwich before, then a little meal after. Put together a ham and cheese sandwich at 6 p.m. Played hoops at 8, went out for beers at 10, returned home at midnight. Showered, contemplated retirement, nursed a blister the size of my palm that now resides on my left foot, wandered back into the kitchen. Saw the ham from the earlier ham and cheese sandwich. Had forgotten to put it back in the fridge. There it sat in its plastic, totally exposed. Looked around for rats. Felt shame. Wondered if it was still edible. Can ham be in the open air for six hours? Wondered what Louise would do. Threw it away. Wondered what Louise would say.

* I do the dishes every night so nothing’s changed on that end, although the home’s dish use has dropped 98 percent. Paper plate use has increased 325 percent.

* Sitting on the couch, looking at my native surroundings. Jeans draped over railing, shirt over a chair, socks resting comfortably on the floor beneath the pants, happy to be experiencing a bit of freedom from the laundry bag. Socks need floor time. Magazines and Sunday Times stacking up on a chair in the eating area, as if they’re a set piece for an upcoming episode of Hoarders.

* Spent a day and night watching five parts of classic ’80s miniseries V and V: The Final Battle. Found the old tapes at the bottom of my bin of old VHS tapes. And Louise wanted me to throw them away! Gain a new appreciation for Marc Singer’s Mike Donovan, truly one of the more underrated ’80s action heroes. Not only a gutsy cameraman who went into war zones, but the guy helped save the human race, rescued his son from a mother ship, proved to be a considerate lover to Julie and found time to snap off witty comebacks, all while fighting off guinea pig-eating aliens with vibrating voices. Realize it’s 3:30 a.m. Watch The V die thanks to the red dust created by the resistance, released by…hot air balloons. Sigh heavily. Go to bed.

* God I need to shave. But what’s the point?

* Four Eggo Waffles for dinner. Three microwaved sausage links, which makes said links all but inedible. Still eat them. Feel sick.

* There’s nothing like climbing into a freshly made bed. So warm, cozy, inviting, safe. We try and make it every day. Bed hasn’t been made in 10 days.

* Lunch, lunch, lunch, what to do for lunch. Yes, she makes my lunch each day. Yes I’m spoiled. Yes, yes, I’m more aware than anyone, since I’m the one who opens the lunch bag each day and is greeted by a sandwiched wrapped with care – and love – in aluminum foil. If it’s hot dogs she includes tiny ketchup packets, the buns wrapped for safekeeping in separate plastic bags. Lunch, lunch, what to do for lunch. Throw in a can of chicken soup. Next day, second can of soup. Put the bowl directly into my bag.

* In bed all day Saturday with a cold and headache. Emerge to go to grocery store for soda. Back to bed. No one here to take care of me. Worse: No one here to hear me whine.

* Ten-thirty at night, so hungry. Why didn’t I eat dinner earlier? Oh, was watching Fletch for the 456th time while eating an entire box of Whoppers. Maybe make some sandwiches. Sit down with can opener, can of tuna, gallon of milk. Eat tuna from the can, drink milk from the carton. Take stock of life. Put off coming to conclusions.

* Watch trailer for Denzel Washington’s Safe House, which is set in Cape Town. Will be there in a week and a half. Warm Cape Town. Inviting Cape Town. A city with bread, milk in a bag and made beds.

* Talk to Louise, finally.

“How are things going, honey? Have you gone through all the food? Is everything going okay?”


  1. Jerry says:

    You do realize that Louise will read this and never leave you home alone again, don’t you? Or is that maybe part of the master plan? So she won’t leave you home alone?

  2. Rich Jensen says:

    Knew a guy who had this habit of staying away for like 2-3 days at a time, then crashing for a day, etc. Early in one streak, he fried himself up some nice pork chops, ate one of them, left the other on the counter to eat ‘later’.

    Later on he eats the second pork chop and become violently ill. Why? Because he’d been up for like 36 hours, and at least 30 hours had gone by since he put the pork chop on the counter.

    So, yeah, it could be worse.

    • Rich Jensen says:

      oops. Should be ‘staying awake’

    • shawnfury says:

      Was this guy a meth-head or a hacker on some programming binge? Louise is a nut when it comes to pork (heh). Doesn’t even mix dishes when it’s pork and beef. So I figured she wouldn’t approve of eating exposed ham.

      Jerry, as far as I know, she’s not even getting Internet in South Africa right now so there’s a chance she might not ever read this.

      • Anonymous says:

        Oh, poor baby. Maybe I should come visit you. Wait, then I would take care of you. Wait I sound like a mother. Wait, I sound like your mother. Wait, I sound like my mother!!! Anyway, if its food you need, maybe I should just send Emilio. Hang in there, kid!! Love, Monica

      • Rich Jensen says:

        It was absolutely a hacker on a programming binge! And frankly, it’s awesome that you pegged that. He’s the reason why 1) I will no longer manage people and 2) I have a deep abiding distrust of hackers.

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